Come Sail Away @ Simo's Dive On The Water - Sydney’s First Floating Dive Bar!
Simo’s Dive On The WaterSydney Harbour, NSW17th December 2023.Featuring: KingParrot, Anoxia, Dark Horse and Slaughter CultThere’s something soothing about seeing the shocked looks on the ‘Normals’ faces when a sea of black-clad metal fans pile into any one of the bougie bars stationed along Kings Street Wharf in Darling Harbour at 11.30am on a Sunday. You’ve got to love the scared botoxed stare of an Instagram-stricken socialite as they line up for a mimosa amongst the Napalm Death, Pungent Stench and Bastardizer shirts that adorn the doomed masses.So what the hell are these pale bastards doing drinking alongside Sydney’s highfalutin fan club of fake tan finery? Well readers, we’re going on a boat. Not just any boat either. It’s Simo’s Dive On The Water and we’re hitting the high seas of Sydney Harbour.
There are a few bodies scattered throughout the boat as Simo’s departs. A solid contingent of today's passengers gather at the stage on the vessel's lowest of the three decks as Slaughter Cult kickstart proceedings. “This one Is about having your head cut off. It’s called Mind Control Massacre”. Slaughter Cult are two blokes and a drum backing track making a hell of a lot of noise. It’s like the lads were beamed straight here from their garage and the crowd dig it. The pair have just released their new album Meat Head today and they’re pumped. As we venture passed Barrenjoey and go under the Sydney Harbour Bridge one of the lads says “This song is about being hung up and siphoned of all your blood”. It gets a laugh from this twisted crowd. I look out the boat window to see Sydney’s ferries trying to dodge a bloke whose only gone and capsized his yacht in the mouth of Circular Quay.It’s one of those little things they race at the Olympics and he can probably get it upright in a flash but it doesn’t stop one of the blokes on our boat from yelling out “YOU CAN’T PARK THERE MATE!!!” A good showing from the SC boys and great start to the day.
It’s a beaut day on Sydney Harbour so I venture out to the top deck to catch some rays between sets with a handful of punters not afraid of the sun. There’s a 450-head capacity on this boat but with all the crew, gear and stage setup there's room enough for 250 odd people and looking about at the crowd on hand I reckon we’re not far off that mark.Even without the bands, this is a glorious way to spend a Sunday as we cruise by some landmarks of Australian Colonialism like the Opera House, Fort Denison and Kirribilli House.
Heading west back under the bridge and Sydney’s Dark Horse take to the stage. The singer screams out “Let’s Grind” as this 4-piece get the lower deck churning. Half a song in and some bloke is already hanging from the low-hanging steel beams. The singer is tall and just standing there on the raised stage, his head is an inch from one of the steel beams. If he jumps even a little bit he’s gunna knock himself out or cave the roof in. The music is abrasive, loud and if we get too close to the shoreline, we might get some noise complaints when we get back to King St Wharf. The boat is rocking side to side and I don’t think it’s the ocean chop.
Go to the back deck where the barbeque is loaded up with sausages and onion, and at the risk of angering fans of DIY home hardware, these sausage sandwiches are better than Bunnings. A couple of young lassies are sunning their shins near the rescue dingy hanging off the back and we start to wonder if all 300 of us will fit in that 4 seater if Simo’s goes down. Luckily I’m wearing my swimming shoes today (which also double as my drinking boots FYI).Anoxia step up and they are so bloody good. Even with the hum of the engine and the bashing of the boat on the harbour, their sound doesn’t suffer an inch. The guitarist looks like he’s having a break from brokering deals on the stock market to kick everyone's arse with his Jackson guitar. The band itself don’t move a lot (not that there's a great deal of space to do so) but that doesn’t mean they’re any less perturbing. Even in the light of day, Anoxia have a haunting presence and for most people, it would induce fear, but for this pack of onlooking scallywags it brings nothing but smiles. The bassist is on loan from the depths of hell. It’s his birthday today so he gets a chocolate mud cake with all the trimmings. Whipped cream and cherries. So doomy. The metal community on hand gets behind him and sings him an unholy happy birthday. Then it's back to the carnage.
Head up to the top deck and half of today's stowaways are there as the vessel makes its way back east under the Harbour Bridge. A few selfies are taken as a few normals cruise past in some nice white yacht. They look perfectly happy, but we all know they’d rather be on this Leviathan of Metal. Especially given who today's headline act is.King Parrot are at their absolute best right now. Having just returned from the United States on a 34 date/36 day run that included supporting slots with Pantera, Lamb Of God and Weedeater. These five blokes from Melbourne have easily become the most must-see live act that Australia’s underground has to offer. With their inclusion on the 2024 Aussie Knotfest lineup, there was no way in hell I was missing the opportunity to see them destroy on a boat floating around Australia’s most famous harbour.
I grab my spot on the barrier as every punter fills the lower deck and it quickly starts to feel like we’re all jammed into a boiler room. Bassist Slatts starts chirping to the crowd how us Sydneysiders have too much cash with our flash yachts and harbour front real estate before launching into ‘Silly Ol Mate’. Vocalist Youngy comes out pacing and tips a bottle of water on my head while screaming his face off. It’s already bedlam as they follow up with ‘No Coincidence’ and ‘Brace Yourself’ and the Simo’s crew start shooting the crowd with water pistols filled with soda water (at least I hope it’s soda water).A pair of manky Calvin Kleins gets thrown onto the stage which just adds to Slatts' argument that we’re all just a pack of cashed-up wankers. That is until Youngy yanks his pants down enough to reveal that Slatts too is sporting a pair of CK briefs. His look cleaner though, but we can only see the top half...
Someone slings Youngy a banana as they launch into ‘Bozo’. He stuffs it down the back of his pants, turns around and starts feeding it into a dude in a pink KP shirt. ‘Need No Saviour’ and ’Piss Wreck’ follow as the frontman starts climbing over the crowd while sporting someone's sailor cap. They rip into ‘Psychotherapy’ and it’s getting fairly toasty in here. Sweat is starting to drip from the Grindhead stickers that are plastered all over the ceiling beams. The singer from Carnal Viscera comes flying from out behind the speakers, onto the stage, climbs the barricade and plunges arse first into the wanting pit. A few old favourites follow before they play the as yet unreleased ‘Punish The Runt’ and the grins on the sea of faces in the mosh says she’s a beauty.The lads churn through a chiseled set of classic KP bangers including ‘Epileptic Butcher’, ‘Dead End’ and ‘Hell Comes Your Way’, tunes that have been pulverised and refined throughout their exhaustive US tour, before sealing the deal with all time belter ‘Shit On the Liver’. The exhausted and drenched rabble couldn’t be more soaked if they dived off the side and went for a swim.
We head topside to dry out as Simo’s cruises around Sydney Harbour. As we venture past Mrs Macquarie’s chair, one of the seccies let us know that this is the easiest gig in Sydney. The metal mob knock each other down but they pick each other up as well. There’s little for security to do but kick back and watch while taking in the sights of the greatest harbour in the world. I asked the other seccie what he thought and through a shocked expression, he said he’d never seen anything like it before. A bloody fantastic day with good mates, great bands, two bars, a sundeck and a top notch crew, sailing through the finest harbour this planet has to offer. With international bands like Mortiferum on next week and the iconic Mortiis setting sail before Knotfest in March, you’d be mad not to go sailing with Simo.Review by Duane James@duanejames666
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