Bare Bones Get Psychiropathic On New Single ‘VERTEBREAKER’

The spinal column, also known as the backbone or vertebral column, is made up of 33 individual bones called vertebrae according to Dr Dave Harrison MD of San Francisco General Medical Center.

Sydney’s Bare Bones have recently diagnosed countless listeners of heavy music with extreme cases of misalignment and restricted vertebrae affecting all 33 of these hollow bones. The only cure according to Dr. Tom Kennedy (Screamologist), Dr. Chris Blancato (Percussionologist) and Dr. James Dean (Guitariatrician) is a complete realingnMETALnt with probable fractuRIFFage procedures.

The first treatment will most likely last just over three-minutes and is entitled the ‘Vertebreaker’; be prepared though, this will crack more than just the spines and skulls of the rocky patients. In all likelihood, repeat procedures will need to be administered and addiction is a heavy side effect.

Doctors, let’s get to work.

The operation begins with devastating drumming and the amazing axe-work of the six-string nature; it pulsates and aligns in brutiful synchronicity. Movement from the patients will become ecstatic and involuntary – however, this is a good sign as the prior discussed restrictions are now diminishing.

Itchiness is a common side effect, so it is recommended to include a risky but rewarding nu-metal therapy termed “DJ Scratching”; the results have been proven successful for over three decades.

These nu-metal experimentations should continue to be administered as per the Bare Bones clinic but remember to stick to the scripts and utilise diversification in the treatment. This alignment will involve ongoing visits of neck adjustment therapy through rapid banging motions and the patients should be reminded of this, even though the results have shown revisitation is impressively above 100% on Bare Bones' success rate.

Dr. Tom Kennedy will be reassuring, but also stern in both his prognosis and diagnosis. He is a worldly individual, so for emphasis on the importance of this medical undergoing, he will also discuss impassioned notions about: “the most dangerous cities in the world, especially in Central and South America. I focus on the lives of the people there, and the daily struggles they endure, living under the control of drug cartels, rampant crime, corrupt governments, gang violence, and severe poverty.”

At this point of impassioned discussion, when it becomes ultra-heated after about one minute and 20 seconds, a practice instructed by prodigies of the field known as The Chariot will be necessary. Distortion, flailing, static resonation and rampant energy in break(down)neck form will be administered by Dr. James Dean and Dr. Chris Blancato. This madness is eased by Dr. Kennedy’s melodic choral assurances in a flawlessly timed manner.

One more thrashing on the vertebrae will BREAKDOWN the issues completely leading to the end of this operation. It is a harrowing undergoing, but the resolve is the best the Bare Bones’ clinicians have exhibited yet. Undoubtedly this SINGLE procedure will encourage countless revisitations.

As Dr. Tom Kennedy screams “The Cycle Repeats”!

Wait until the patients hear all of Bare Bones recoveRAGEry diagnoses in the very near future – it will be endless psychiropathic insanity.

Yeah the BONES!

Words by Will Oakeshott @teenwolfwill

Stream ‘VERTEBREAKER’ here